On February 6, 2002, W. Axl Rose, lead singer of Guns 'n' Roses, turned 40 years old. It's no coincidence that the sky was blanketed with somber gray clouds that morning; it seemed that even the Almighty himself was somberly reflecting on just what this unhappy birthday really meant. The once mighty Axl has spent the last ten years idle, occasionally stealing the MTV News/Rolling Stone spotlight thanks to the ludicrous rumors surrounding the production of Chinese Democracy, the long promised and perennially postponed next Guns 'n' Roses album (my personal favorite: "Dude, I heard Shaq is rapping on a track"). It's been almost fifteen years since Appetite for Destruction blew up the best band of the 1980's, and that realization, coupled with recent pictures of a slightly bloated Axl alongside some jackass with a bucket on his head, makes me really sad.
The next day, the sun was shining, the birds were chirping, and all seemed right with the world. That's probably because on February 7, 2002, country legend and all-around good ol' boy Garth Brooks turned 40 as well. I'm sure there's a spot saved for Garth in the fluffy white afterlife, because country-western truly is God's music, and well, there ain't nobody who c'n do it better'n Garth. The big 4-0 coincides with the end of a phenomenally successful decade for Brooks, one that saw him become the biggest solo star in music. Garth's honky-tonking made a lot of us forget all about how much we hated country music after seeing Jon from MTV's The Real World Los Angeles perform "Boot Scoot'n Boogie." Thinking about Garth's unbridled energy and salt of the earth charm makes me really glad.
I couldn't stop thinking about Axl and Garth all week. One minute I'd be smiling wide, whistling "Friends In Low Places" to myself and chuckling at the thought that I too have friends in low places, and the next minute a solemn tear would roll down my cheek as I thought back to the day when my cousin first played me "Sweet Child of Mine." I felt so conflicted; I didn't know what to do next! Then, suddenly, an idea struck me with the force of a lightning bolt: why don't I compare the careers of Axl and Garth to resolve my conflict and see just what I should be feeling? I decided to put my backfield in motion and go full steam ahead, devising ten categories and a scoring system; the rock icon that won the most categories would be the guiding light by which I would dictate my feelings. Here, now, are the results of that contest. CATEGORY #1: ANAGRAMS (THE REARRANGING OF LETTERS IN A NAME TO MAKE NEW WORDS)
AXL: "Axl Rose" is an anagram for "Oral Sex."
GARTH: "Garth Brooks" is an anagram for "R.T. Grab Hooks."
WINNER: Axl (though I personally wouldn't mind being called R.T. Grab Hooks).
CATEGORY #2: BEST CRAZY MOMENT
AXL: If you had to pick just one, it would have to be the time that Axl showed up with a bodyguard and a gun for a "one-on-one fair fight" with Vince Neil of Motley Crue.
GARTH: Definitely outing his sister on national television to demonstrate his tolerance of homosexuals.
WINNER: Although Garth's complete lack of sense is pretty impressive, who wouldn't want to shoot Vince Neil? Axl wins because he cheats.
CATEGORY #3: BEST SONG ABOUT DRUGS
AXL: "Mr. Brownstone," a Roy Jones, Jr. hands-behind-my-back right hook of a warning against the dangers of heroin written by a sick smack addict. Irony rocks.
GARTH: God-fearin' Christians don't cotton to none of them fancy drugs. Just gimme my jug of Mountain Dew.
WINNER: Axl, edging out Garth's purity with a vicious withdrawal-fueled snap kick to the face.
CATEGORY #4: ATTITUDE TOWARD CHILDREN
AXL: Has no charity in his heart, hates all small children (well, probably), and seeks only to implement innovative concepts that will keep him rolling in alcohol, cigarettes, and loose women.
GARTH: Is the proprietor of the Teammates for Kids Foundation, a charitable organization co-founded by Brooks which exists "to develop and implement innovative concepts that generate funds for the benefit of children's charities."
WINNER: Although there would be something exhilarating about watching Axl punch a little kid in the head, Garth wins because the children are our future, people.
CATEGORY #5: CREEPIEST VIDEO
AXL: Man, this was a tough decision. I've chosen "Welcome to the Jungle," which shows a young hayseed Axl (actually chewing on a piece of freakin' straw) coming off the bus from the Midwest, acclimating himself to life in sin-soaked L.A., and undergoing freakish A Clockwork Orange-style experiments while "real" Axl, hair all teased out and leather pants a-blarin', kicks out the jams so hard that I nearly peed my pants the first time I saw it (okay, the first fifty). [Following closely behind are Axl painted Lou Ferrigno-green and striving for the light at the end of "Don't Cry," and the gun-wielding psychosis of "Estranged." What a sick bastard].
GARTH: The closest thing to "creepy" Garth has ever come up with (besides those horrible jive-ass Dr. Pepper spots) was the mildly unsettling video for "The Thunder Rolls." Wife-beating, torrential downpours, and Garth looking all intense probably scared some weak scoobs, but he's just too wholesome to really be creepy.
WINNER: Axl, in a cakewalk.
CATEGORY #6: GUITAR PLAYERS
AXL: Slash and Izzy. Nuff said.
GARTH: Assorted, fat, denim-clad, country dudes, some with ponytails. Weak.
WINNER: Axl.
CATEGORY #7: PERIOD OF DOMINANCE
AXL: 1987-1991. Nobody rocked harder than Axl in the late '80's and early '90's. He bowed with Appetite for Destruction in '87, one of the highest selling debut albums in music history, and one of only a few mainstream rock releases from the time period still worth listening to. He ended this period with his magnum opus, the ambitious double LP Use Your Illusion, which spawned monster hits "November Rain" and "Don't Cry," and cemented G'N'R as one of the biggest rock bands of all time. For the five years before Nirvana dropped Nevermind, Axl Rose was the biggest name in rock music.
GARTH: 1990-present. I don't know if it's possible to sell 104 million records quietly, but if it is, Garth Brooks has done it. Brooks took popular music by storm in 1990 when he released No Fences, a combination of rock 'n' roll bombast and golly-gee country sensibility that forced America to stand up and take notice. Since the start of the decade, Garth has eclipsed icons like Elvis, Billy Joel, and Elton John on his way to becoming the highest selling solo artist in the history of music. He was pretty much the only reliable commodity in the turbulent world of '90's music, surviving its petulant mood swings and releasing nine records between 1990 and 2000, of which only his Chris Gaines brainfart met with anything less than enthusiastic critical and commercial success. No matter where you turn, Garth's always there, and that has proven to be a good thing for popular music.
WINNER: Garth. Although I think that Appetite is better front to back than any one album Garth has released, his longevity and his sales give him the edge over Axl.
CATEGORY #8: PERSON LEAST RESPONSIBLE FOR THE BREAKUP OF GUNS 'N' ROSES
AXL: The one blemish on an otherwise stellar rock star profile. You messed up, Axl. You turned on Slash, Izzy, and Duff. That was bush league. Now you chill with Buckethead and promise that your new record will sound like Nine Inch Nails or something. Weak, bro. Really weak.
GARTH: Completely blameless for G'N'R breaking up…unless you cite his country-fried rise to stardom as the source of much of Axl's angst and thus as the ultimate reason for his disbanding of Guns 'n' Roses. But even I'm not that blind. Axl must pay.
WINNER: Garth, because he didn't kill my childhood dream of seeing the one true Guns 'n' Roses live. Axl's a jerkstore.
CATEGORY #9: POSITION ON GOD
AXL: "I believed in God once…but then he let me down."
GARTH: "Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers."
WINNER: Draw – one guy's a big whiner, the other guy's a big weiner, and I don't even know if I can tell the difference. This one's a wash.
CATEGORY #10: WORST ALBUM CONCEPT
AXL: The Spaghetti Incident? – a covers collection which saw G'N'R bassist Duff "Rose" McKagan singing Johnny Thunders' "You Can't Put Your Arms Around A Memory." Duff singing. What the hell?
GARTH: In The Life of Chris Gaines – a pre-soundtrack to a never-made movie about a fictional rock star. Yep, this was every bit as stupid as it sounded.
WINNER (although in this case, winning isn't good): Garth – The Spaghetti Incident? had a mysterious name and an awesome version of "Since I Don't Have You." All Gaines had was a soul patch.
The winner, by a score of 6-3 (Garth's win for "Worst Album Concept" is actually a loss), is Axl Rose. The ferocity of this battle reminds us of the lesson we learned in Spaceballs: evil will always triumph because good is dumb. Garth comes out all smiles and hospitality expecting a good-natured and fair contest - he didn't count on getting roughed up by bodyguards hardcore style, or on a chest-protector, kilt, and N.W.A. hat clad Axl screaming the lyrics to "Get In The Ring" at him while it was going on. Garth's only chance would be to ring up Vince Neil, but that dude's all fat and dumb now anyways. Axl wins, and as a result, I'll solemnly carry my torch for Appetite-era Axl for the rest of my days, all the while suppressing the joy I felt at watching Garth on Saturday Night Live. Adieu, Garth. Adieu.