Spring Break
The Results are in: Limp Bizkit sucks
You'll need a lot more than faith to be able to listen to all 68 minutes of Results May Vary, Limp Bizkit's latest atrocity
Dan Devine
Issue date: 10/2/03 Section: Arts & Entertainment
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All right, I understand that it's not actual, physical violence, but can we please categorize the latest Limp Bizkit album as a hate crime? They obviously hate the listening public; why else would they subject us to such absolute crap? It's clearly a crime against rock music: Results May Vary is a treasure chest of derivative guitar lines, an unimaginative rhythm section, clichéd song structures, and the worst lyrics this side of...well, anywhere. As for Fred Durst's crimes against rap music...well, that's an article by itself. Isn't this enough to get a conviction? Pre-law students, hear me out: this is a reputation-making case.
Even if we can't get Durst and company in the courtroom, we can try them in the court of public opinion, and Results May Vary offers enough damning evidence to lock the Limp away for life. The case starts before the album even enters your CD player-the cover art, a screaming Durst washed in a deep, Hulk-out green, gives you every indication that the album will be chock full of insipid emotional rage-rock meandering, thrashing, and breaking stuff until it eventually tires and goes to sleep. Unfortunately, it takes over sixty-eight minutes for that to happen. A seventy-minute Limp Bizkit record. This officially replaces my previous "This must be what's on the radio in hell" song, a two-hour loop of BBMak's "Back Here," as the soundtrack to eternal damnation. Chilling.
Let's talk about lyrics, because this one's got some back-breakers. From "Gimme the Mic": "Hold up/it's the motherf**kin' concrete/suicidal nightshift loaded with a vice grip/poppin' all you copies who keep waterin' down s**t/thinkin' you can rap with that artificial outfit/your baggy pants and bottle of crack hits." Here are some questions:
-What exactly is "the motherf**kin' concrete"? Do you think even Fred knows what that one means? I don't.
-How do you load a "suicidal nightshift" with a "vice grip"?
-Did Fred Durst stop wearing baggy pants? I must have missed the memo.
Even if we can't get Durst and company in the courtroom, we can try them in the court of public opinion, and Results May Vary offers enough damning evidence to lock the Limp away for life. The case starts before the album even enters your CD player-the cover art, a screaming Durst washed in a deep, Hulk-out green, gives you every indication that the album will be chock full of insipid emotional rage-rock meandering, thrashing, and breaking stuff until it eventually tires and goes to sleep. Unfortunately, it takes over sixty-eight minutes for that to happen. A seventy-minute Limp Bizkit record. This officially replaces my previous "This must be what's on the radio in hell" song, a two-hour loop of BBMak's "Back Here," as the soundtrack to eternal damnation. Chilling.
Let's talk about lyrics, because this one's got some back-breakers. From "Gimme the Mic": "Hold up/it's the motherf**kin' concrete/suicidal nightshift loaded with a vice grip/poppin' all you copies who keep waterin' down s**t/thinkin' you can rap with that artificial outfit/your baggy pants and bottle of crack hits." Here are some questions:
-What exactly is "the motherf**kin' concrete"? Do you think even Fred knows what that one means? I don't.
-How do you load a "suicidal nightshift" with a "vice grip"?
-Did Fred Durst stop wearing baggy pants? I must have missed the memo.