The Annoying and Unnecessary In Common Speech

 Now that I am an Accounting man, I no longer have to obey the laws of the English language. This exemption, however, does not prevent me from noticing some common flaws in some peoples’ everyday speech. Some of these flaws make me want to rip my hair out. Here are a few of them.

“Literally”

People are beginning to use the word “literally” way too often. “Literally” is meant to be used in the rare case that the literal interpretation of a usually figurative phrase is relevant, not as a substitute for “really” or “actually.” For example, it is acceptable to say that my friend and I are literally in the same boat if we are paddling a rowboat together across a lake. A lot of people incorrectly use the word when they use it for emphasis. Phrases like “That was literally the funniest thing I have ever seen,” or “I literally had no idea I had homework last night,” are all too common. This is not the way the word is meant to be used. It is tempting to say “literally” when you are trying to emphasize something, but there are other techniques for creating emphasis. Instead of incorrectly using “literally,” everyone should just do what I do when I want to get whoever I am talking to to understand the severity of what I am saying: Get right up in the person’s face, grab their head with both hands, and speak three times as loudly as you normally would. It is much more effective and does not break any grammatical laws, or constitutional laws, I think.

“I was just going to say that…”

A lot of my classes are discussion based. When a classmate wishes to make a point, I hear this unnecessary preamble way too often. “I was just going to say that…” followed by whatever insight this person had on the subject. If I were a teacher and one of my students began his point this way, I would cut him off after this unnecessary intro and ask him why he isn’t going to say it anymore. “You were going to say it? Not going to say it anymore? What happened? Changed your mind? Then why is your hand raised?” I would also burn the paper of any student that I caught cheating in front of their eyes, so maybe my methods are not exactly politically correct, but saying “I was just going to say that…” before giving a point is useless. If your hand is raised, you were not going to say it, you are saying it. “I was just going to say that…” only dilutes whatever follows it. The next time you have the urge to begin a comment like this, ditch the unneeded beginning and start with the first word of your point. This will only enhance the strength of what you are saying.

“I’m not gonna lie.”

I think Will Ferrell is responsible for this one. Just like “I was just going to say that…” a lot of people begin their statements by saying “I’m not gonna lie.” Now, there are instances when saying this is acceptable: Namely, when you are about to say a comment that would be rational to lie about, or that other people would probably lie about. For example, it would be okay for a 25-year-old man to say something like. “I’m not gonna lie, I really like High School Musical.” Most 25-year-old men, if they like High School Musical, would indeed lie about this. Maybe this person should have lied about that, but he said he was not going to, so good for him. Honest Abe would be proud. An example of a poor use of the phrase is something like “I’m not gonna lie, I really have to go to the bathroom.” Why would you lie about having to go to the bathroom? Of course you aren’t going to lie about that. I would not expect someone to lie about having to go to the bathroom like I would expect a grown man to lie about his love for Zac Efron.

So, in conclusion, I was just going to say that I literally appreciate you reading my rant on common linguistic flaws, I’m not gonna lie. By the time this goes to print, the copy editors will have probably pointed out plenty of mistakes that I originally made in this article, making it invalid and making me a hypocrite. I lied about being exempt from the laws of the English language. I too am constricted by its chains, figuratively.