Prepare to Miss Providence

Finals week here at Providence College is always a little bittersweet. While we prepare to say hello to summer and goodbye to classes, we also say hello to final exams and prepare to part with the one-of-a-kind lifestyle of a college student, some of us for good. It is hard to reacquaint yourself with reality after living inside the bubble that is Providence College for nearly eight months. In a single car ride, we suddenly reunite with our former lives. Classes with unreasonable professors become summer jobs with unreasonable bosses, Friarbucks become hard earned cash, crazy friends become even crazier family members, messy dorm rooms become tidy bedrooms, and Ray food becomes real food. So, I warn you to prepare yourself for the culture shock that summer is about to unleash upon you, because I can almost guarantee that at some point over the summer you will succumb to the dreaded, antibiotic-resistant, ImissPCitis.

In some of the worst cases of ImissPCitis, patients report the onset of symptoms as early as 20 minutes into the car ride home. The most severe of these symptoms include memory loss, blurred vision, increased appetite, and the desire to jump out of the moving car, dodge traffic on I-95, and run back to Providence.  It seems as though these early signs of illness begin to surface once students come to the shocking realization that their trip home is one way and will not be followed up by a trip back to Friartown anytime soon. But the true catalyst behind these symptoms is by and large the direct result of the now-close proximity of PC student to parent. No longer are you a phone call away from your embarrassing family, but better yet you are trapped in a car with Bruce Springsteen blaring from the speakers, as your tone-deaf father attempts to sing along to the painfully seven-minute-long “Rosalita.” It is times like these when you feel as if you were “Born to Run”—away.

Some additional symptoms of ImissPCitis include: delirium accompanied by rapid weight gain, thanks largely in part to the availability of something that is difficult to find on the PC campus: real food. Most victims of early-onset ImissPCitis, report severe hallucinations upon entering the kitchen. These hallucinations can cause patients to have full-fledged conversations with kitchen countertops and/or other large appliances, under the delusion that Dot, Ann, and Fran are attempting to swipe their PC ID cards. But what’s more is what follows, as the opportunity to eat real food that Sodexho has not effectively mutilated often lends itself to some excess poundage. (Just in time for beach season!) The transition from Ray’s Classics to Mom’s homemade lasagna can be rough, but becomes more and more manageable over time.

Unfortunately, there is no definitive cure for ImissPCitis. But rest assured, researchers are hard at work looking for a set treatment for this vicious malady. Some treatments said to have improved the quality of life for patients include: marathon Skype sessions with your fellow PC buds, unnecessary trips to the city of Providence, wearing at least one article of Friar attire every day, and eating large quantities of buffalo chicken wraps and pretending they are from Slavin. Some have even reported that reading their beloved DWC reader just before bed is the perfect way to ensure sweet dreams. So, if you or a loved one is suffering from this dreadful disease, talk to your doctor about potential treatments that will help you get through your PC-free summer.