10 Goals for 2010: Study Habits to Text Habits

I have decided to make it my personal vendetta to try to help myself break a few bad habits. I have made a list of goals that I will strive to carry out in the year 2010.
Goal number one is to stop texting the word “hi.” For one, it is a total chick move and no one will ever date a needy airhead who sends text messages just saying “hi.” Better yet, I will make a personal effort to not text anything unless it is completely necessary.  This includes, but is not limited to, the occasional “we are in class sitting next to each other” text. These texts usually feel completely brilliant at the time and who can resist a little observational humor? Or how about when you are being exceptionally lazy and you text your brother while he is upstairs in your house and you are downstairs.  Stairs are for cavemen! No wonder there is an obesity epidemic.

Goal number two is to stop swearing so much. I am starting to forget how to appropriately conduct myself in proper conversation. Take, for example, this article.  Every week I struggle to not fill it with expletives.  What is wrong with me? 

Ah yes, and that brings me to goal number three which is to refrain from coming out with elaborate similes and metaphors in my daily dialogues, such as “The girl fell into the puddle like she was a drowning ox on the Oregon Trail.” No one follows this nonsense, and it makes me sound like a neurotic Dr. Seuss. I really hate the feeling of wanting to knock my own teeth out after the long, judging silence that ensues. 

Goal number four is to floss better.  Dude, teeth are bones, and we let them get dirty. Would you want your ankle to have apple skin stuck to its side? No.  That would feel awful. Goal number five is to be more tolerant of guidos. I will try to remember that they are people too, even though they make my heritage look like a bunch of protein-shake-guzzling, shiny meatheads who are a few drops short of a bottle of tanning oil. They should not have their right to vote taken away, equal rights and such—yada, yada, yada.
Goal number six is to start doing homework before dinner and maybe even in between classes if I’m feeling a little revved up. Goal number seven is to stop using phrases like “revved up,” “amped,” and “stoked.” I am not a surfer, and I am never going to be one, so let’s knock it off. Also, the same goes for those jerks who wear puka shells and shark teeth around their necks during the summer in their Corona swim trunks. You know who you are and everyone thinks you are a nerd. You also reek of Abercrombie cologne and realistically could probably only drink three Coronas without losing your Blackberry. Act like a man, dude, this is not Laguna Beach.

Goal number seven is to finally convince people to stop saying things like “soul mate” and “I want to find myself.” There are no soul mates; life is what you make of it. And if you know where you are right now then you have found yourself.  Let’s not be stupid. We are not on Oprah and no one thinks you are deep; we think you are ignorant.  Goal number eight is to remove the word “ignorant” from my vocabulary because it is an ignorant word.  If you think someone is ignorant that means you are. I’ll let you figure that one out on your own.

Goal number nine is to stop creeping on random people’s Facebook albums. It starts to get weird when you know who someone is only from a social networking site.  It is creepy, considering they probably don’t know you from a hole in the wall. Oh and one more final goal: Stop making so many public confessions and testaments.  Status updates are for people who are embarrassed because no one writes on their walls.
Obviously there are countless other goals that I could reasonably shovel out to myself and my peers but I truly think that together we can conquer some of our most irksome habits. In short, don’t be a Facebook creep, don’t overanalyze your love life or lack of, be tolerable of our fellow youth who appear at times to be without a brain, floss, and stop being so obsessed with texting. Take a deep breath; it’s going to be a great year!