2010

2010 is already shaping up to be one of the best years of the decade; it has given us the top-grossing movie of all time, the "Pants on the Ground" guy, and an unhealthy obsession with dago mustaches and the word gobagool.  Aside from 2010 being the year that the Internet finally runs out of room and the year that we trace the cause of global warming back to the rampant spewings of Glenn Beck, here are some other off-kilter predictions for the year before the year before the world ends.

Percentage PC tuition will increase by: With incoming freshmen facing a preposterous 15 percent increase in tuition, one can only guess how much more the administration can raise it without fearing revolt. Hopefully Chris Dodd will find a little extra money in his 401k to shovel into our endowment fund and the yearly tuition hike can revert back to its usual six percent.

Bank most likely to fail: Sovereign. Still reeling from the tuition upsurge, freshmen will consequently default on their loans and send our unassuming on-campus bank into insolvency. The mob scene outside of Slavin with students demanding money to meet their monthly payments will be reminiscent of the angry townsfolk in front of the Bailey Building and Loan in It's a Wonderful Life.

Athlete currently redefining sports that we'll COME TO find is actually nihilistic Japanese robot thing from the future:
That doofy hockey player on the Capitals.

Country Bono will arbitrarily decide to support: Dominican Republic. Since becoming a popular PC spring break destination, the island will be left in tatters come mid-March after droves of students reaffirm what it means to be one of the top liquor cultures in the Northern Hemisphere. Operation Red Cup does not apply in international territory.

What PETA will scold us for next: Since PETA lashed out at innocuous figure skater Johnny Weir for donning an outfit speckled with fox fur, it won't be long before the animal-loving ideologues from Virginia start asking cities like Hamburg, Germany and Fishkill, N.Y. and bands like The Pet Shop Boys to change their names to something less malevolent. Actually, PETA already tried that…watch out, Jeff Foxworthy, Bob Barker and K-Cass Horseman.

What environmentalists will scold us for next: Paper cuts.

Absurd concept that will become a horrifying reality: Jurassic Park. God creates dinosaur, God destroys dinosaur. God creates man, man destroys God, man writes book Jurassic Park, book Jurassic Park destroys man, man creates real Jurassic Park, Disney turns real Jurassic Park into profitable children's attraction.

What we will be wearing: Anything from a haberdashery.

What we will be wearing on our sleeves: The spit up of that Asian baby we just adopted.

Retro technology that will make a comeback: Over the past few years, record player and vinyl sales have seen resurgence as the proliferation of digital audio has sparked a nostalgic desire for old-fashioned LPs and that reassuring crackly sound they make as they spin. Along a similar vein, I'm tempted to predict a comeback in those gaudily behemoth laser-discs and the dysfunctional misery they often generated in seventh grade history class—but 2010 will undoubtedly be the year of the typewriter. Forget the iPad and its confounding touchscreen keyboard; bring back the liberating inability to backspace or spell-check.

Thing we'll all start doing once our arms become too sore from all that fist pumping: Erratic winking.

Most likely to destroy Earth before 2012: Though CERN's Large Hadron Collider is set to start smashing protons again very soon, it won't begin maximum energy collisions until 2013, so we might not have to worry about black holes gobbling us all up until then. But with last year's ravaging Conficker computer worm and  H1N1 introducing us to the terror of hybrid diseases, look for some sort of organic/digital virus to sweep cyberspace, permeate through our keyboards, and infect us all, annihilating both the human and tech worlds in an ironic apocalypse that we can all insipidly blog about in the afterlife.

Religion that science will finally be able to disprove: Buddhism.

Where we'll be embezzling money from: Collegiate student-run newspapers; that Taco Bell down the street.